Ashes to Ashes

 

Traditional day after Christmas burning of the paper and boxes. In addition to the “festive garbage” I decided to burn some of my boxes of documents that I have had in storage for eight years. Copies of checks…statements…old bill receipts…all for Fawcett Creek Farm. My ex-husband and I used to own a dairy called Fawcett Creek Farm. I have kept the papers for all of these years, responsible to the guidelines for retaining documents schedule. I did the right thing. I carried through.

I thought it would be simple…throw the papers on the bonfire and poof…they would be gone. What I wasn’t prepared for was the rush of emotion all of those snippets of paper caused. I found bits and pieces of memories; old Christmas cards that had made their way into the financial boxes. Old contracts and promises. Pieces of our life when there was an “us” and a testament to years of hard work and hopeless dreams. I had to see those papers.  I was left to burn them to keep them from prying eyes and identity thieves. I had to do the clean up. Destroy everything that said both of our names on it. I should have dropped off the boxes on HIS front porch, but I didn’t trust him to destroy them properly. I had to spend two hours reliving the new Honda 4trax we bought our son and paid for. The receipts for the milk that we shipped to the creamery. He should have had to relive those pieces of the past that needed to be erased. Instead it was as it has always been…he got off easy. He just walked over people and walked away. Just start over without a care or thought of the past. Simply a selfish man, who fooled so many for so long.

I watched all of the documents burn and raked and turned over that pile of papers again and again to make sure it all burned. It did…and I felt good…satisfied when it was all over. I felt a bit smug and powerful as I tossed it all away and watched the pieces disappear into bits of floating ash. I controlled the fire and decided when and where to destroy the evidence of our past. Should have did this years ago, but it wasn’t the right time. Now was the time.

The flames died and the ashes were raked into the earth. I got into my truck and drove away.

Christmas 2011

Reaanne, Christopher, Chad, Eddie and Lesley...Christmas 2011

Ok…so I’ve been very negligent in blogging. My resolution is to be more faithful in offering my two-cents worth and blog more. So here it goes…

Since I wrote last, I have moved from my little house into my parent’s home up the road. I have (what I call it) a studio apartment that used to be the family room. I have my own entrance and bathroom, so it is quite the adventure of adjustment. Thanks to divider bookcases at Ikea, I have a bedroom area, living area and an office area. Only what is strictly necessary made the move with me and the rest is back into storage. Last summer I had made it my goal to clear out and get rid of my storage unit and I did. Then a few weeks later, my brother and his wife decided I had to move from the little house, so back into storage my things went. What’s a plan, right? Due to the economy and price of rent, my single salary doesn’t go far enough for local rent rates, so the parents “made me an offer I couldn’t refuse.” I seem to have come full circle…eight years ago, after the divorce, my daughter Lesley and I stayed in this very “studio” while we organized and found a place to live. Here I am back. I am thankful that I have a place to go. It makes you appreciate things and it helps a person to understand that what you have doesn’t matter; it’s how you treat people and how you show kindness and love. Too bad everyone doesn’t know that. Enough about that.

Christmas 2011 has come and gone. I have a miniature tree on my bookcase and my collections of Santas and snowmen are perched on the piano and bookcase, respectively. So even though space is tight, it does feel like Christmas in my room, surrounded by a few of my favorite decorations. My other decorations will live in their boxes until the time I have more room.

My two children, Chris (and his girlfriend, Reaanne) and Lesley (and her boyfriend, Chad) outdid themselves in the thoughtfulness department and presented me with awesome gifts. Slippers, a massage gift certificate (have to remember to make the appointment!) and a special music box selected by Chris (he even wrapped it himself and I don't think he has ever did that before!). I have to admit, the music box brought some tears to my eyes as it has a beautiful verse about mothers on the top and it opens to play the song, “You Can Always Count On Me.” I am so thankful for them and my new little grandson, Eddie, born to Lesley and Chad in November. He is a keeper, that’s for sure.

Speaking of Eddie…Edward Joseph Wilson was born on November 7. Edward is a family name and was the name of his daddy’s grandpa. Joseph is Lesley’s dad’s middle name. He is a blessing and being grandma rocks! As I look at Eddie, I am drawn into a time warp because it seems as though it was just yesterday when Chris and Lesley were babies. The years have careened by and all of the memories a person vows to keep become hazy blurs. I guess that way it forces us to appreciate each moment because moments will never be as clear as they are at the time they happen.

I’ve enjoyed being on Christmas Break from work. Ah…the life of a school employee. I’m storing up my moments of rest, because when I return to work in January we will be preparing for our annual Charity Drive and I will get no rest at all, since I am a Junior Class advisor. It will be meetings, preparation and planning, in addition to the normal daily work routine. Charity Drive isn’t until February, but a ton of planning precedes the event, that is for sure! I wrote about Charity Drive last year, so you can look up one of my past entries for explanation.

Enough for now. I have a movie to watch and a couch calling my name.