Life and Cookies

I’m baking Christmas cookies! This is a big deal why? Well, let’s just say in my “other life” I baked tons of cookies each Christmas time. I also baked with my much-loved Grammie. She taught me to make homemade frosting, pie and other yummy recipes. Grammie always had cookies in her freezer, ready at an instant to display on a plate to offer to anyone who stopped by.

Recently, I found a holiday tin with the words, “Peanut butter, 2001” taped to it. It brought back memories of helping Gram with her Christmas baking. Gram had shoulder surgery in the fall of 2001, and was unable to complete her usual baking, so I went shopping and made the lists of the traditional treats and spent a couple of long days in her kitchen. Gram directed from the table and I worked. She was able to frost cookies and I did all of the grunt work. We had fun, visiting and remembering times past. She told me about her youth in North Dakota on her family’s large farm. She told of snow and sleigh rides to church. She told of her older brothers and how they would always dump the sleigh in a snow bank, causing all of them to look like festive snowmen. She told me of how she loved to read before going to sleep at night and how her father would knock on her bedroom door and tell her to turn out her oil lamp. That brought back memories of me as a child, holding a flashlight under the covers to finish “just one more page.”

During Christmas of 2001, my life was going through many emotional changes. Working my way through a long divorce, smiles were hard to find. It was comforting to know that the time I spent with Grammie was “safe.” It was a place where you felt loved and I needed that then.

I honestly haven’t baked much since that Christmas. My heart was not in it and too many other things got in the way. Christmas became a time to put on a “game face” for my children and smile even when I felt like going to bed and pulling the covers over my head until the season was over. Baking reminded me of my old home and all of the busyness of being a mom and a wife. Funny how some things, like baking, in this instance, define a time and a place.

Well, this year I decided to get with it and make some family traditional cookies; snowballs, sugar cookies, molasses cookies, to name a few. Sometimes it’s the simple little things that can inspire you to forge ahead and make your way through. For me it was the little dented holiday tin with the masking tape label that read, “Peanut butter, 2001.”

I miss you, Grammie. With each cookie, I think of you.

The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It’s a quiet Sunday evening. Preparing for Christmas and another workweek. Tired of doing that, so now for some bloggin’…

Do I have something wise to say? Some words to live by? Hmm…well, for all of you out there that are apprehensive at holiday time, I say, “Chill.”

Holidays bring out the best and the worst in people. My daughter was talking to me about my “annual holiday funk.” She told me that I needed to snap out of it and get with it. I explained that it is easier said than done. At holidays, especially Christmas, the world tells us its “family time.” Mom, dad, brother, sister, even the family dog should be wishing everyone peace on earth. For those of us that don’t have the typical family unit, it can be hard, especially if you are a perfectionist, someone who strives to get it right. It’s an adjusting of the senses and expectations. I always feel guilt at holiday time…I should have been able to keep the family together (yeah right), I should have a perfect house (in another life), I should be independently wealthy (threw that one in there…ha) and I should be Mother of the Year each and every year. Well…like a broken record that refuses to skip…it just keeps on repeating that same part over and over each December and I get trapped in the scheme. Gerbil in a wheel, anyone?

I think one just gets so used to feeling this way that when the holidays roll around a person goes in to auto mode and starts buying pity party supplies. I don’t know what it is about being the mother that makes a woman feel like it was their responsibility to raise the kids right and to be the keeper of the flame. Why do some dad’s get away with so much less? Why do some men skip out and become less of a parent and not lose one minute of sleep about it?

My kids are raised and have made it through some pretty twisted times. I have tons to be thankful for and believe me, I am VERY thankful. My kids are wonderfully human adults and I am so glad they are in my life. I have awesome friends and co-workers that are like family and I go to work each day with a smile, because I love my job. My soul is at peace with my Jesus and I know He guides my way. I’m a pretty blessed lady.

So…I think I’ve created a habit, because this is the 7^th Christmas I have been single. I think it’s time to put the holiday funk to rest, don’t you think? It’s getting old and I’m bored with it. So I’m officially resigning from the Mother of the Year running and I’m forming an “It is what it is and it’s all good” club.

It will save so much time. J

Thoughts on a Cold Thanksgiving Morning

Note:
I have been away for far too long. Sometimes life is enough and it's too much trouble getting it down on paper (digital paper at least). But I made a promise to someone very special to me that I would begin writing again. So thanks, Cousin Alan for inspiring me to "get to it." I love you very much.

It’s 7:00 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. Today we are ordered by the date on the calendar to be thankful. Visions of a traditional table, laden with a perfectly browned turkey and all of the delicious dishes that accompany…oh yes…and the perfect pies (homemade, of course). All of the family is there, no chair is empty and all are smiling and everyone is happy to be there, just like the famous Norman Rockwell painting shown above.

Does your life measure up to this expectation of perfection? Mine does not and to be honest, I don’t know of many lives that do. We all have “issues” within our lives and holidays seem to bring those issues out of the dark and into the glaring light.

Some have lost loved ones to death or divorce and the empty chair will once again remind them of the loss. As they try to hold back their tears and the turkey turns to sawdust in their mouth, their hearts break all over again for the missing loved one. Dreams, plans and expectations are wiped away and replaced by a new reality that is in direct conflict with society’s mandate for a “happy holiday.”

Another newsflash: Not everyone plays fair. Siblings and relatives grow up and relationships get…uh…complicated. Not all families are united in the game called Life. Another wrench in the quest for the perfect holiday.

So you see…it can seem pretty overwhelming and well…at times even depressing. Why bother, you might say. The good news is that there is a way to be thankful…really truly thankful in spite of feelings. Learn this truth: Feelings are fleeting and can be pretty wacky. They change, they can deceive, they can cause us to go crazy and at other times they can cause us to feel exhilarated and so happy we could “just bust.”  The secret is to get yourself some faith. Faith that God means it when He says that He has a plan for you and that it is a good plan. That He means it when He says that he counts your tears and knows your heartbreak. He will hold you in the palm of His hand and will keep you all of the days of your life. No…He does NOT say we won’t have dark times and “feel” like we are sinking, but He DOES say that He will be there with us and take us through those times and if you “decide” to trust Him, your feelings will follow your decision. Feelings depend upon outward circumstances. They change according to what’s going on in our emotional lives. On the other hand, joy depends upon God and our decision to trust Him with our lives.

Sounds easy? NOT! We are human and even when you are trusting God, you might still “feel” afraid, alone and vulnerable. That’s ok, because God understands the way we tick. He knows that we are only human. But be comforted because you know that feelings pass and that the joy in your heart does not pass because it is based upon the One who NEVER changes.

So…today, when you go through Thanksgiving…if you are “feeling” down or desperate, reach out to someone else. Because we all are in this game of Life together and reaching out to someone else is the best way to take focus off of ourselves and spread the joy around. Kind of a “pay it forward” way to look at things. It’s good for the soul.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Little Egypt

Southern Illinois...Little Egypt they call it. Different from the rest of the State of Illinois. Very southern in speech, foods and traditions. Most of the folks here are descendants of pioneers that migrated north from Tennessee, Kentucky and Georgia in search of fertile farmland and homesteads. They brought with them their southern traditions and ways of living that have traveled down through the generations. My dad is one of these people. He says "karn" instead of "corn" and "tarlit" instead of "toilet." In fact, I have been accused by some of slipping into a hillbilly tone when I'm excited or tired (that's "tarred." :)

Back to why they call the region "Little Egypt." The southern part of Illinois is very fertile farmland, wedged between two great rivers; the Mississippi River on the west and the Ohio River on the east. In the 1800's there was a drought in the northern/central part of Illinois and food was scarce. However, Southern Illinois farmers were blessed with successful crops, so people from the north traveled south to buy food, just as Jacob's family traveled to Egypt in Bible times to get food from their brother, Joseph. This is when the region began to be known as Little Egypt.

The path my ancestors took to Southern Illinois began in the Carolina's, then on to Georgia, then Central Tennessee (the Nashville area) then to Saline County, Illinois. My dad's family settled in Franklin County in a small town named Christopher, Illinois.

When I was a child, the family farm on Parker Street just north of Christopher was our annual summer vacation destination. We would leave the cool Pacific Northwest and drive for 3.5 days to Illinois. When we reached our destination, I remember the pungent smell of the warm, humid Illinois air, the music of crickets and the evening sight of lightning bugs. Everything seemed different than I was used to, and it was. I was used to the crispness of the marine air and the chill of dewy mornings and evenings. Everything in Southern Illinois seemed older and more "down home." It is older, there is many more years of history here compared to the West.

For several years I was unable to make the trip to Southern Illinois. I was busy raising my children and running a farm. Now my children are grown and I am able to make the trip with my parents. I have had the opportunity to sit with my father and hear stories about his childhood and young manhood days. I have discovered things about our family that enable me to see my father in a clearer way.

We will be here for a few more days, then on to Tennessee. In the meantime I will etch the vision of the small towns and forgotten buildings that hold stories that will never be told. I will visit the places I experienced as a child and commit them to my mind's eye. I will laugh at the lightning bugs and watch out for snakes. I will photograph the moments that inspire me and regret the moments I did not catch. I will enjoy my vacation and file away another years worth of memories.

Then I will come home...

Parker Street

A view down Parker Street in Mulkeytown, Illinois. Looking east toward the farm that was my dad's home.

Digging Through...and Other Odd Subjects

There's a song I heard on the radio as I was driving to work on Thursday. It's called, "I'm Forgiven." When I heard the words, "I don’t have to carry the weight of who I’ve been cause I’m forgiven" I knew there was a reason I had turned on the radio to at that moment in time. I'm one of those types that are very hard on myself. I always believe I could have done better or should be doing more and sometimes, that gets very defeating and tiresome. I'm not the same person I was seven years ago and I have to accept the fact that I can't right all of the wrongs and I can't take all of the hurtful words and actions back. I can only ask for forgiveness and more importantly, forgive myself. Regret seems to weigh me down and I am tired of carrying that burden.

Looking forward, I promise myself that I will do what I can and that will be ok. I deserve to love myself and when the past wafts through my mind, I will appreciate all that was good and learn from the parts that were regretful. Where I thought I was going seven years ago is not where I am now. Life took a detour and brought me to today and you know, it is all good. Through the days of feeling rejected and homesick for my "old life" I somehow made it through the dark days and silent nights of loneliness. Bitterness did not defeat me, although there are moments when I am angry at the unfairness of life. I like to think it's "righteous anger" (and I'm sticking to that belief!) I have my time at the "pity party with attendance of one" and then try to gather my feelings and go forward.

Strength courage and wisdom cannot be purchased, it must be developed from all that life brings. I have a job that I love and friends that are family. Not everyone can say that, and I know that I am blessed. There is something to be said for those that carry on and keep taking the baby steps forward. Who cares if you take a few steps backward at times? As my dear friend, Susan says, "There is no timeline." That is so true. When it comes to matters of the heart, there are no time lines. Thank God!

If you know me, you know I have been talking about "life after divorce." It's true what they say that "divorce is like a death" and somehow my life has taken a "before" and "after" pattern. Before divorce, or as I call it, "my old life" was full of raising my much loved children and trying to be a good wife. I had my identity as wife and mother. After divorce, or my "now life" I have raised my children and I am learning to appreciate my own identity as simply ME. To be truthful, there is nothing "simple" about it. Everyday different...everyday good...sometimes you have to look long and hard for the goodness, but it's there. This I choose to believe.

Little Girl

From the past...a little girl with blond curls, a smart red jacket and red plaid tennis shoes. She's a sweetie pie and only knows happy days. Who is she and where did she go?

The years go by and she grows older. She marries, she has a family. She dreams and deals with life. She makes mistakes, learns from them and moves on. She has her heart broken by those closest to her. Those she puts on pedestals fall and crash. People leave...friends come and go...She learns, she cries, she laughs she tells great stories. She's faithful and a good friend. She's a dreamer and a poet. She's a rocker and a roller. She's fun, yet can be cautious. She looks back a few too many times and it bites her in the rear. She finds she cannot fix everything. She cannot solve all of the rhymes she can't find all of the reasons.

She adores her children. They carry the best of her heart. She has regrets and misgivings, but offsets those with a sense of hope and promise.

She is me.

Monday Night Muse

Monday night...a rainy, windy Monday night. I'm sitting at my dining table working on a graphic design job and decided it's time to quit for the day. The house is quiet. I'm getting used to not having T.V. any longer. Decided to save some bucks and also save some time and dropped T.V. service after Christmas. So far so good. I watch Netflix movies online, catch my favorite T.V. shows (Cougar Town, Modern Family & 30 Rock) on hulu.com, so still have entertainment options. Also have the DVD player and T.V., so movies are the menu. It's not that bad...I can always go up the road to my mom's and watch the tube up there.

Ok...can you tell I'm stressin' a bit about not having T.V.? It's like a drug and I'm in recovery :).

Thought...do you know anyone that is just plain mean? I'm talkin' to the bone, angry, bitter and a master (or mistress) of holding a grudge? I do...and I actually feel pity for them...they know who they are. I'm stepping aside and letting God deal with them. I don't need their negativity in my life and I am bound and determined not to let their dark vibes poison my life. It's too bad, relationships that are broken are sad. Think about it...

Enough rambling...Keep your smile sweet and remember to laugh...

Birthday

Tomorrow, March 30 is my kid's dad's birthday. Rick will be...hmmm...let's see...53 years old. In this picture, he is 26, the same age as our son, Chris, who he is holding. Chris is one week old, just a little guy. From the way Rick is dressed, it appears he had just gotten home from work at Safeway, where he was the assistant manager.

The years roll by, people change...sometimes it's too bad.

Happy Birthday, Rick. You'll always be older than me...

Bon Jovi Boys

My "virtual" boyfriends...Jon Bon Jovi and Richie Sambora. Two extremely hot and attractive men that can really rock. I discovered a "new to me" song of Bon Jovi;
A Seat Next to You and it is so sweet. Here's some of the lyrics:

Long slow drive down an old dirt road
You've got your hand out the window, listening to the radio
That's where I wanna be...

On an old park bench in the middle of December
Cold hard rain fallin', can't find no cover
That would be alright with me...

Hard days, good times, blue skies, dark nights
Baby, I want you to take me ... wherever you're going to
Maybe say that you'll save me ... a seat next to you

In the corner booth of a downtown bar, with your head on my shoulder
Smokin' on a cheap cigar...that would be alright with me
In the back row of a movie or a cross-town train
I wanna hear your voice whispering my name...that's where I wanna be

Hard days, good times, blue skies, dark nights
Baby, say that you'll take me ... wherever you're going to
Maybe say that you'll save me ... a seat next to you

Life is like a ferris wheel, spinnin' around
When you get to the top it's hard to look down
Just hang on ... we'll make it through
Save me ... a seat next to you

When you get to the gates and the angels sing
Go to that place where the church bells ring
You know I'll come runnin' ... runnin' to find you

Baby, say that you'll take me ... wherever you're going to
Maybe I want you to save me ... a seat next to you

Now if that isn't one of the most sweet set of lyrics, I don't know. But Jon and Richie can sing this one to me any old time!

Cannon Beach

Spring Break 2010 is flying by. I've taken some enjoyable day trips this week. Monday I went to Portland with a friend. We parked at 185th Avenue and rode the MAX downtown to Pioneer Square. Went to a movie and lunch and hit some art stores.

Tuesday went to McMinnville to the holy grail of hillbilly shopping, Walmart and the Dollar Tree. Yaw Hoo!

Today, a friend and I went to Cannon Beach. I haven't been there in years. Seems like I always pass it by on my way to Seaside or Astoria. We toured the art galleries and had lunch at the Lumberyard, a really nice logging theme restaurant. I had the best martini in the world, the White Chocolate Mochatini. Yum! White Godiva, Vanilla Vodka and Kaluha within a chocolate rimmed glass. Pretty and sweet and now my favorite new drink.Today was topped off by a dinner with friends and a great movie. Good times.

It's back to work on a graphic design job tomorrow. Can't be all play this week.

Enjoy Spring...it's here and color is busting out all over!

Grandpa George

Grandpa George & Chris on Christopher's first birthday, 1984

My kid's Grandpa George...active, talkative, funny, smart (he can fix anything) and a very hard worker. He's in the hospital after a farm accident and is not used to being cooped up. I was married to his oldest son, Rick for over 20 years and there definitely is a soft spot in my heart for him and his dad. Our two kids, Chris and Lesley love Grandpa George and everyone is praying for a speedy recovery.

Thanks Grandpa George for being such a good grandpa to my children. I sincerely wish you well and you are in my prayers. Here's to you, George...


George winning one of his many Pig N Ford trophies


He loves his horses!


George with baby Rick, 1957

A Fine Friday Night

Friday after work. A time to let out a big sigh and look forward to the weekend. I remember when I was young and in school, I loved Friday night because there were still two days to look forward to. I remember the bittersweet feeling of a Sunday afternoon when thoughts of Monday began creeping into my brain.

Fast forward to Friday night of now. A time to crash on the couch and stare at the wall while trying to slow down my mind from the hustle of the workday. A time to fall asleep early without the pressure of the alarm clock. Boy how times have changed. No going out on a Friday night. Only staying in and regrouping.

Maybe I'll watch a movie...if I can stay awake.

Happy Friday!

Mom & Dad

My mom and dad celebrated their 50th wedding anniversary on November 5, 2009. Fifty years is a long time...my parents have stuck it out and although life hasn't been pretty at times, it has been constant. There is something to be said of "sticking it out." I should know. I was divorced after 23 years of marriage and will never celebrate a 50th anniversary.

Yeah...I believe it's better to hang in there and roll with the years...

Winter Days

It's the midst of winter and it's wet on the Oregon Coast! I hope we get a bit of sunshine in February. Who am I to complain though? Compared to the people of Haiti, we are tremendously blessed. It breaks my heart to see all of the pain that those people are experiencing. We have no idea really.

I'm a class advisor with two other co-workers for the Freshman class at Tillamook High School. Every year we have a huge Charity Drive. For 10 days life will be crazy with dinners, auctions, and other fundraisers as our school usually raises about $100,000 for charity. That's a lot of money for a small town of 4400 in an economically depressed area. But somehow, miraculous, really, the generous community members rally and donate to the drive. The monies are shared between many good and deserving causes.

I plan to be much more active in my blog. I don't want to "peter out" and let this blog die a quiet death. No...it will flourish and be a place to spill my heart as I probably say too much too often.

Let's see...words for the wise...hmm...how about this:

"I love those who can smile in trouble, who can gather strength from distress, and grow brave by reflection. 'Tis the business of little minds to shrink, but they whose heart is firm, and whose conscience approves their conduct, will pursue their principles unto death."
Leonardo da Vinci