Happy Birthday, Baby!

A Happy Birthday Wish for the father of my two great kids.

"We've seen some good times, been through some bad.
But somewhere between the laughter and the tears
we sure had a lot of great years.
We didn't need fortune we didn't need fame
just a little shelter from the rain.
I didn't need a castle made of stone
all I ever needed was you."
We both made major mistakes in our relationship and I have many regrets, but in spite of all, you hold a special place in my heart. Through my journey of healing due to the sweet grace of God, I have learned to love and forgive...myself and you.

Even though we both have went on in different directions, who knows...life has been known to take crazy turns...see ya around...

So here's to you, Baby...31 years later and still as handsome as you were in that summer of 1978. What a summer...EVERYTHING was good!

Clarity

The time for confusion has passed. There is a new sense of purpose and clarity that is growing in my soul. Decisions are being pondered about and some ideas are rolling around. Everything is being thought of in a positive light. Ways to rectify past mistakes and poor habits. Every day is a new day and another chance to get it right, if not better.

I'm ready for tomorrow and the brightness it will bring. I will keep my soul soft and let myself shine.

Spring Break Bummer

Ok...I am trying to be positive and there is always two sides to a story...I work at a high school. I adore my job. Spring Break was here! Wow! Perk of working for the schools. 1.5 weeks off to chill and work at my "other job" as a freelance graphic designer. I had awesome jobs lined up and was looking forward to creating and making some serious cash. Except there was a glitch to my plan.

Plans...don't they say "plans are ALWAYS subject to change?" After fighting illness off and on for 2 months (amazing how you catch things in the cesspool of a school building) Well...I have just spent my entire Spring Break sick. That's sicker than a dog...that's "hope this never happens again" sick. That's "feel sorry for yourself sick." That's emergency room Saturday night sick...and the one thing I've found is that doctors are much too quick at "diagnosing." A patronizing "you've got the "bug" didn't cut it for me. After 2 trips to the doctor (which is NOT like me...but when you're desperate...) the third trip was a charm. Finally I saw my doctor who had been gone for the week (enjoying Spring Break...grrr) on Friday. After being validated and diagnosed with severe bronchitis with asthmatic symptoms (amazing how you can't concentrate or work when you can't empty your lungs properly) he prescribed meds that kicked in by Friday night. I'm going to live!!! Now only if that ER doctor would have really listened to me a week ago Saturday...

So...as usual, I ask myself the question: what is this suppose to teach me? On one hand... major bummer that my Spring Break was basically non-productive. OK...I'll be honest..."basically is a delusional word for me. I didn't get squat done other than washing some dishes on Wed and staring at the computer screen on Thurs. I'm staring at the unaccomplished, lofty goals that I set for myself for this magical time of Spring Break. Before Break=unorganized. After Break=perfect organization. I might still be feverish...I think I'm losing it!

On the other hand, I didn't have to use any sick leave and didn't have to miss any work and the weather was crummy and wet, so I really didn't miss out on much. I think I might have talked myself talked into being OK with it. Yeah right!

The best thing that came out of this is the fact that I have realized that I cannot do it all. I have to simplify and cut back. Even though I'm almost finished with college and my BA is within reach, it will still be there next fall. I'm taking a much needed break and cutting myself some slack. No full time college this spring. Just work full time and a half at two jobs. I'm leaving myself some time to be creative and enjoy the life. The spinning weekends of papers to write and textbooks to read will wait. I want to take a deep breath (as soon as my bronchitis clears up anyway), exhale (without coughing my head off) and see my life for what is always has been. Not perfect, but good. I'm ready to make some long due changes and concentrate on what I know I am and do what I want to do instead of what I think I should do. I'm "such a good girl" anyway. Yeah right.

Time to take a nap...

It All Adds Up

There have been tears and brokeness in my life, but I believe that brokeness and tears can lead to a healing that results in a tender heart. I am thankful for all of the “brokenness” I have had in my life. I’m thankful that I was somehow able to hang on and get through the darkness. It has made me the person I am today. It has made me a more compassionate and loving person, a better friend and a better me. I also believe that the struggles in life can work for you because then you discover that you can do things that you never realized you could do! The struggles humble and empower you at the same time and experiencing that mix of humbleness and power is amazing!

It’s all good…

If Wishes Were Horses...I'd Have a Ranch...Lucinda Williams

Saturday in March. Warm weather brings thoughts and hopes of winter’s end. Grass growing, smells wonderful. Brave Girl is pondering all of the jobs that need to be done. Brave Girl is a frustrated perfectionist. She wants to be perfect, but is rational enough to know that perfection is an unhealthy pursuit. Brave Girl’s best is the goal. Baby steps, one at a time, this is the path to completeness. Brave Girl is working on loving herself and cutting herself some slack.

Appreciate life, Brave Girl. Life waits for no one.