There's a song I heard on the radio as I was driving to work on Thursday. It's called, "I'm Forgiven." When I heard the words, "I don’t have to carry the weight of who I’ve been cause I’m forgiven" I knew there was a reason I had turned on the radio to at that moment in time. I'm one of those types that are very hard on myself. I always believe I could have done better or should be doing more and sometimes, that gets very defeating and tiresome. I'm not the same person I was seven years ago and I have to accept the fact that I can't right all of the wrongs and I can't take all of the hurtful words and actions back. I can only ask for forgiveness and more importantly, forgive myself. Regret seems to weigh me down and I am tired of carrying that burden.
Looking forward, I promise myself that I will do what I can and that will be ok. I deserve to love myself and when the past wafts through my mind, I will appreciate all that was good and learn from the parts that were regretful. Where I thought I was going seven years ago is not where I am now. Life took a detour and brought me to today and you know, it is all good. Through the days of feeling rejected and homesick for my "old life" I somehow made it through the dark days and silent nights of loneliness. Bitterness did not defeat me, although there are moments when I am angry at the unfairness of life. I like to think it's "righteous anger" (and I'm sticking to that belief!) I have my time at the "pity party with attendance of one" and then try to gather my feelings and go forward.
Strength courage and wisdom cannot be purchased, it must be developed from all that life brings. I have a job that I love and friends that are family. Not everyone can say that, and I know that I am blessed. There is something to be said for those that carry on and keep taking the baby steps forward. Who cares if you take a few steps backward at times? As my dear friend, Susan says, "There is no timeline." That is so true. When it comes to matters of the heart, there are no time lines. Thank God!
If you know me, you know I have been talking about "life after divorce." It's true what they say that "divorce is like a death" and somehow my life has taken a "before" and "after" pattern. Before divorce, or as I call it, "my old life" was full of raising my much loved children and trying to be a good wife. I had my identity as wife and mother. After divorce, or my "now life" I have raised my children and I am learning to appreciate my own identity as simply ME. To be truthful, there is nothing "simple" about it. Everyday different...everyday good...sometimes you have to look long and hard for the goodness, but it's there. This I choose to believe.
