The Most Wonderful Time of the Year

It’s a quiet Sunday evening. Preparing for Christmas and another workweek. Tired of doing that, so now for some bloggin’…

Do I have something wise to say? Some words to live by? Hmm…well, for all of you out there that are apprehensive at holiday time, I say, “Chill.”

Holidays bring out the best and the worst in people. My daughter was talking to me about my “annual holiday funk.” She told me that I needed to snap out of it and get with it. I explained that it is easier said than done. At holidays, especially Christmas, the world tells us its “family time.” Mom, dad, brother, sister, even the family dog should be wishing everyone peace on earth. For those of us that don’t have the typical family unit, it can be hard, especially if you are a perfectionist, someone who strives to get it right. It’s an adjusting of the senses and expectations. I always feel guilt at holiday time…I should have been able to keep the family together (yeah right), I should have a perfect house (in another life), I should be independently wealthy (threw that one in there…ha) and I should be Mother of the Year each and every year. Well…like a broken record that refuses to skip…it just keeps on repeating that same part over and over each December and I get trapped in the scheme. Gerbil in a wheel, anyone?

I think one just gets so used to feeling this way that when the holidays roll around a person goes in to auto mode and starts buying pity party supplies. I don’t know what it is about being the mother that makes a woman feel like it was their responsibility to raise the kids right and to be the keeper of the flame. Why do some dad’s get away with so much less? Why do some men skip out and become less of a parent and not lose one minute of sleep about it?

My kids are raised and have made it through some pretty twisted times. I have tons to be thankful for and believe me, I am VERY thankful. My kids are wonderfully human adults and I am so glad they are in my life. I have awesome friends and co-workers that are like family and I go to work each day with a smile, because I love my job. My soul is at peace with my Jesus and I know He guides my way. I’m a pretty blessed lady.

So…I think I’ve created a habit, because this is the 7^th Christmas I have been single. I think it’s time to put the holiday funk to rest, don’t you think? It’s getting old and I’m bored with it. So I’m officially resigning from the Mother of the Year running and I’m forming an “It is what it is and it’s all good” club.

It will save so much time. J

Thoughts on a Cold Thanksgiving Morning

Note:
I have been away for far too long. Sometimes life is enough and it's too much trouble getting it down on paper (digital paper at least). But I made a promise to someone very special to me that I would begin writing again. So thanks, Cousin Alan for inspiring me to "get to it." I love you very much.

It’s 7:00 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. Today we are ordered by the date on the calendar to be thankful. Visions of a traditional table, laden with a perfectly browned turkey and all of the delicious dishes that accompany…oh yes…and the perfect pies (homemade, of course). All of the family is there, no chair is empty and all are smiling and everyone is happy to be there, just like the famous Norman Rockwell painting shown above.

Does your life measure up to this expectation of perfection? Mine does not and to be honest, I don’t know of many lives that do. We all have “issues” within our lives and holidays seem to bring those issues out of the dark and into the glaring light.

Some have lost loved ones to death or divorce and the empty chair will once again remind them of the loss. As they try to hold back their tears and the turkey turns to sawdust in their mouth, their hearts break all over again for the missing loved one. Dreams, plans and expectations are wiped away and replaced by a new reality that is in direct conflict with society’s mandate for a “happy holiday.”

Another newsflash: Not everyone plays fair. Siblings and relatives grow up and relationships get…uh…complicated. Not all families are united in the game called Life. Another wrench in the quest for the perfect holiday.

So you see…it can seem pretty overwhelming and well…at times even depressing. Why bother, you might say. The good news is that there is a way to be thankful…really truly thankful in spite of feelings. Learn this truth: Feelings are fleeting and can be pretty wacky. They change, they can deceive, they can cause us to go crazy and at other times they can cause us to feel exhilarated and so happy we could “just bust.”  The secret is to get yourself some faith. Faith that God means it when He says that He has a plan for you and that it is a good plan. That He means it when He says that he counts your tears and knows your heartbreak. He will hold you in the palm of His hand and will keep you all of the days of your life. No…He does NOT say we won’t have dark times and “feel” like we are sinking, but He DOES say that He will be there with us and take us through those times and if you “decide” to trust Him, your feelings will follow your decision. Feelings depend upon outward circumstances. They change according to what’s going on in our emotional lives. On the other hand, joy depends upon God and our decision to trust Him with our lives.

Sounds easy? NOT! We are human and even when you are trusting God, you might still “feel” afraid, alone and vulnerable. That’s ok, because God understands the way we tick. He knows that we are only human. But be comforted because you know that feelings pass and that the joy in your heart does not pass because it is based upon the One who NEVER changes.

So…today, when you go through Thanksgiving…if you are “feeling” down or desperate, reach out to someone else. Because we all are in this game of Life together and reaching out to someone else is the best way to take focus off of ourselves and spread the joy around. Kind of a “pay it forward” way to look at things. It’s good for the soul.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Little Egypt

Southern Illinois...Little Egypt they call it. Different from the rest of the State of Illinois. Very southern in speech, foods and traditions. Most of the folks here are descendants of pioneers that migrated north from Tennessee, Kentucky and Georgia in search of fertile farmland and homesteads. They brought with them their southern traditions and ways of living that have traveled down through the generations. My dad is one of these people. He says "karn" instead of "corn" and "tarlit" instead of "toilet." In fact, I have been accused by some of slipping into a hillbilly tone when I'm excited or tired (that's "tarred." :)

Back to why they call the region "Little Egypt." The southern part of Illinois is very fertile farmland, wedged between two great rivers; the Mississippi River on the west and the Ohio River on the east. In the 1800's there was a drought in the northern/central part of Illinois and food was scarce. However, Southern Illinois farmers were blessed with successful crops, so people from the north traveled south to buy food, just as Jacob's family traveled to Egypt in Bible times to get food from their brother, Joseph. This is when the region began to be known as Little Egypt.

The path my ancestors took to Southern Illinois began in the Carolina's, then on to Georgia, then Central Tennessee (the Nashville area) then to Saline County, Illinois. My dad's family settled in Franklin County in a small town named Christopher, Illinois.

When I was a child, the family farm on Parker Street just north of Christopher was our annual summer vacation destination. We would leave the cool Pacific Northwest and drive for 3.5 days to Illinois. When we reached our destination, I remember the pungent smell of the warm, humid Illinois air, the music of crickets and the evening sight of lightning bugs. Everything seemed different than I was used to, and it was. I was used to the crispness of the marine air and the chill of dewy mornings and evenings. Everything in Southern Illinois seemed older and more "down home." It is older, there is many more years of history here compared to the West.

For several years I was unable to make the trip to Southern Illinois. I was busy raising my children and running a farm. Now my children are grown and I am able to make the trip with my parents. I have had the opportunity to sit with my father and hear stories about his childhood and young manhood days. I have discovered things about our family that enable me to see my father in a clearer way.

We will be here for a few more days, then on to Tennessee. In the meantime I will etch the vision of the small towns and forgotten buildings that hold stories that will never be told. I will visit the places I experienced as a child and commit them to my mind's eye. I will laugh at the lightning bugs and watch out for snakes. I will photograph the moments that inspire me and regret the moments I did not catch. I will enjoy my vacation and file away another years worth of memories.

Then I will come home...

Parker Street

A view down Parker Street in Mulkeytown, Illinois. Looking east toward the farm that was my dad's home.

Digging Through...and Other Odd Subjects

There's a song I heard on the radio as I was driving to work on Thursday. It's called, "I'm Forgiven." When I heard the words, "I don’t have to carry the weight of who I’ve been cause I’m forgiven" I knew there was a reason I had turned on the radio to at that moment in time. I'm one of those types that are very hard on myself. I always believe I could have done better or should be doing more and sometimes, that gets very defeating and tiresome. I'm not the same person I was seven years ago and I have to accept the fact that I can't right all of the wrongs and I can't take all of the hurtful words and actions back. I can only ask for forgiveness and more importantly, forgive myself. Regret seems to weigh me down and I am tired of carrying that burden.

Looking forward, I promise myself that I will do what I can and that will be ok. I deserve to love myself and when the past wafts through my mind, I will appreciate all that was good and learn from the parts that were regretful. Where I thought I was going seven years ago is not where I am now. Life took a detour and brought me to today and you know, it is all good. Through the days of feeling rejected and homesick for my "old life" I somehow made it through the dark days and silent nights of loneliness. Bitterness did not defeat me, although there are moments when I am angry at the unfairness of life. I like to think it's "righteous anger" (and I'm sticking to that belief!) I have my time at the "pity party with attendance of one" and then try to gather my feelings and go forward.

Strength courage and wisdom cannot be purchased, it must be developed from all that life brings. I have a job that I love and friends that are family. Not everyone can say that, and I know that I am blessed. There is something to be said for those that carry on and keep taking the baby steps forward. Who cares if you take a few steps backward at times? As my dear friend, Susan says, "There is no timeline." That is so true. When it comes to matters of the heart, there are no time lines. Thank God!

If you know me, you know I have been talking about "life after divorce." It's true what they say that "divorce is like a death" and somehow my life has taken a "before" and "after" pattern. Before divorce, or as I call it, "my old life" was full of raising my much loved children and trying to be a good wife. I had my identity as wife and mother. After divorce, or my "now life" I have raised my children and I am learning to appreciate my own identity as simply ME. To be truthful, there is nothing "simple" about it. Everyday different...everyday good...sometimes you have to look long and hard for the goodness, but it's there. This I choose to believe.